Very very funny

Every now and again a really funny story cross my path  so this time I have to thank Hannelie for sharing this….

Bored at Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

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ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was  walking through the woods.

‘What majestic trees!’
‘What powerful  rivers!’
‘What beautiful animals!’

He said to himself.

As  he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling  in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot  grizzly bear charge towards  him. He ran as fast as  he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again  and the bear was even  closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled  over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him…

At that  instant the Atheist cried out,

‘Oh my God!’

Time  Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a  bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

‘You  deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help  you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a  believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light.

‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but  perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very well’, said  the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest  resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

‘For what I am about to receive, may the Lord  make me truly thankful,  Amen.’

[Thank you Monica for this one]

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know.  I’ll come up and see.’  She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’  She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I.  Let’s have a beer.”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown at him,
she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me.  I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name!  I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t
remember it.  Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car.  It’s hundreds of them!”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car–both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

Thank y0u, Monicah, for keeping me in stiches………

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WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock….

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement
in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’, you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

(thanx to Monica for this one)

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BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN JOHANNESBURG

  1. Indicating will give away your next move. A real Joburg driver never uses them.
  2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by at least 2 taxis, two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
  3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
  4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
  5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
  7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in Jhb during rush hour. That’s why it’s called ‘rush hour…..’
  8. Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Jhb driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help – you will be mugged.
  10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Jhb is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
  11. It is traditional in Jhb to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
  12. Remember that the goal of every good Jhb driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It’s people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

Now guys go out there today and make Johannesburg proud!!!

(Thanx Mark for this one)
(Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pdxdj/23219947/sizes/s/)


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THE SPOILT UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

Last years matrics has never not known cellphones, TV, ipods, and all the mathingie-jigs of our 21st century world. So when Lanie send me this I had a really good chuckle!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill…barefoot… BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today…

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause – that’s how we rolled, dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen…. forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoilt. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

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Avoid drinking water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don’t.wine

As Ben Franklin said : In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey, grappa or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through
a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember : Water = Poop     Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk kak, than to drink water
and be full of kak.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I’m doing
this as a public service.

(Thanx Nicole- good one! Photo credit: www.flickr.com/photos/75138551@N00/3549509993)

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Italien Pasta Diet

Pasta pasta pasta1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2… You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND….

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you bloody well like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

(Thanx Sandra for sending me this. Credits for pasta picture: http://flickrcc.bluemountains.net/?terms=pasta&edit=yes&page=1)

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Don’t argue with a woman, Full stop!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Ranger in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘For reading a book,’ she replies,

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It’s likely she can also think.

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Paddy & Jimmy

A man was placed in intensive care; needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider’s web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
 
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes, puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man’s attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out,
 
Jim………..my.”
 
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, “Paddy.”
 
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, “Scottish.”
 
The second man replied, “Irish.”
 
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.
 
Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, “Glasgow.”
 
Paddy whispered back, “Dublin.”
 
This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
 
Cancer“, said Jim.
 
“…Sagittarius,” replied Paddy.

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