Very very funny

Every now and again a really funny story cross my path  so this time I have to thank Hannelie for sharing this….

Bored at Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

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ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was  walking through the woods.

‘What majestic trees!’
‘What powerful  rivers!’
‘What beautiful animals!’

He said to himself.

As  he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling  in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot  grizzly bear charge towards  him. He ran as fast as  he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again  and the bear was even  closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled  over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him…

At that  instant the Atheist cried out,

‘Oh my God!’

Time  Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a  bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

‘You  deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help  you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a  believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light.

‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but  perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very well’, said  the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest  resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

‘For what I am about to receive, may the Lord  make me truly thankful,  Amen.’

[Thank you Monica for this one]

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TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know.  I’ll come up and see.’  She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’  She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I.  Let’s have a beer.”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown at him,
she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me.  I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name!  I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t
remember it.  Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car.  It’s hundreds of them!”

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car–both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

Thank y0u, Monicah, for keeping me in stiches………

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8 things woman should avoid during the world cup 2010

This is a very important instruction guide to survival for the next month….

  • Do not change the channel  to Generations – he is watching Soccer!
  • Don’t ask about  Beckham  (he is not there) and no-one cares.
  • Support the same team as him……..please  its for your own safety.
  • Avoid moving in front of the screen ……..right now he feels he is in the stadium and as a supporter he might throw missiles at you.
  • Don’t tell him  “it’s just a game”………to him it is bigger than  your  50th marriage anniversary put  together.
  • Focus on the issue at hand (soccer match)…..other minor things (paying bills, how your day was, the kids, and groceries) can be discussed in July……. (after the final).
  • In case of a loss…………….avoid eye contact and deviate your conversation to other things (not soccer)……as it may affect his temper.

Golden last rule

  • Never……. Ever…… touch the remote……..you might work up in hospital.

Happy world cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Thanx Nompilo for sending me this one)

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The difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,’Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.’

(Thanx Lanie for this one- cheered me up no end!)

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6 Management lessons you have to know!

This is a condensed management course with all you ever need to know!

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

************************

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

***********************

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life…’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after
lunch.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

****************

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

******************

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S *# t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

***********************

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s *#* s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s *# t is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep s *# t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

<Thanx Myra for sharing these lessons with me!!>

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BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN JOHANNESBURG

  1. Indicating will give away your next move. A real Joburg driver never uses them.
  2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by at least 2 taxis, two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
  3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
  4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
  5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
  6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
  7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in Jhb during rush hour. That’s why it’s called ‘rush hour…..’
  8. Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Jhb driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help – you will be mugged.
  10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Jhb is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
  11. It is traditional in Jhb to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
  12. Remember that the goal of every good Jhb driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It’s people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

Now guys go out there today and make Johannesburg proud!!!

(Thanx Mark for this one)
(Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pdxdj/23219947/sizes/s/)


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THE SPOILT UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

Last years matrics has never not known cellphones, TV, ipods, and all the mathingie-jigs of our 21st century world. So when Lanie send me this I had a really good chuckle!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill…barefoot… BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today…

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause – that’s how we rolled, dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen…. forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoilt. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

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Avoid drinking water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don’t.wine

As Ben Franklin said : In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey, grappa or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through
a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember : Water = Poop     Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk kak, than to drink water
and be full of kak.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I’m doing
this as a public service.

(Thanx Nicole- good one! Photo credit: www.flickr.com/photos/75138551@N00/3549509993)

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